Last year I entered an art contest hosted by Dream Foundry. I didn't win, but I got into the 10 finalists and by that, I've won the opportunity to be part of 2024's online convention - which happened during September 27-29.
I never attended a con before, because there is no art-related con where I live and going abroad is a bit expensive. And to be honest I totally forgot about the whole con thing - until the moment I've got the email: it is time to plan stuff!
To be honest I totally freaked out, because I didn't know what to expect. Will I just attend panels and workshops? Will I help to organise this? Brainstorm?
Turned out I needed to fill out some forms, and answer questions about what I like to do, what I would be happy to talk about, do I even wanna talk about stuff or rather just attend the panels. Truth be told the whole convention season got me at the worst part of my life because I was stuck in some serious depression period - since January. But in that moment, when I had to decide if I wanted to be part of the con as a speaker I had one of my better days and I said yeah, why not.
A decision that I regretted many times since that moment.
Weeks after filling out the form of what I'd love to talk about I've got the final timetable - and I've got 3 panels:
A workshop about Anatomy and Lighting
A meet-and-greet session
And a roundtable about Social Media
This was the first time I freaked out. Me? Holding a workshop about anatomy and lighting? Showing people how I work? Draw live? Who am I kidding?! I am a nervous mess, I cannot speak and draw live while everyone can see how many things I fuck up, while I claim to know a thing about anatomy and light! I won't gonna lie - I was thinking about pulling myself out of this.
But eventually, I didn't and started to plan things. I went with the draw-along idea, sketched a horse, coloured the horse and started to paint the demos. And of course, I was unhappy with every outcome. I liked nothing about the outcomes, I hated the colours I picked, the brushwork, how I handled my anatomy, everything. I still couldn't decide which scenario I wanted to paint during the workshop - even the night before my panel.
All the lighting versions I painted for the panel.
Also started to get nightmares 2 nights before the event, caused by the stress - I was heavily overthinking this whole thing. My Garmin was crazy, beeping at me several times a day how stressed I was.
But eventually, I managed to pick a version and I sat there at 7 am in my time, more or less ready to do my thing. The staff was absolutely amazing - from the several emails and reminders they sent out to scheduled tech checks before the con, to checking on you again before your panel started and running through everything - all the buttons, how Weebex worked, what you needed to do to close your room at the end of your panel, absolutely amazing job. They were also very sweet and kind.
And my panel was.... peaceful. There weren't many people attending - actually only one came. Several other people said they tried to come, but sadly the website was a bit hard to read and find stuff and some people got lost on it, some just missed it due to the different time zones we are living in, but this way I wasn't stressing that much. I knew the team would record my panel - I recorded it as well, just in case - and they also sent me the recording, so I knew I could always put it online for people to watch it later. Speaking in English and drawing at the same time... that was one of the things I was scared of. The other was people seeing me making mistakes and they will just be... dissapointed. But I remembered how Aaron Blaise treats his live sessions - he streams a lot and I love them, quite often watching them, drawing along and he is just so chill. If he makes a mistake - because he does, he is only a human - he just... steps over it. He is like "Oh, I made the head too small, let's fix that, now it feels better!" or just erasing it back and fixes it. No one screamed at him being a fake artist, because he made a mistake. It is not the end of the world!
I managed to paint my light, explain things on the go and keep an eye on the clock. And the person who was there with me loved it, said it was really informative and cool and wasn't disappointed at all. It was a big relief, but also I realised: that I was scared of literally nothing. People don't want to harm me or constantly look for my mistakes. That's all in my head only. Of course, looking back at the recording later that day, because I edited it, I noticed the drawing I made was not really up to my standards. We can call it shitty as well. I hated it - so much I almost did not publish it. But instead of that I made a second recording as part II, using it to embrace the mistakes, point them out and fix them - all recorded. So eventually published both videos online and I am still not being called out or anything like that - I've got more positive responses than I would ever imagine!
Overall this was a great experience - I was I think rather active in the round table session, we talked a lot about social media altogether, but to be honest it was a bit scary to sit "at the same table" with a seasoned illustrator who worked for big studios. We exchanged portfolios, of course, just to see who is working on what usually and that was the moment when I felt the urge to apologize for the amount of horses my gallery shows - and I actually did it. At that moment - and well after - I felt like I don1t deserve to be there. I was really small compared to other artists who attended and while they showed full-blown industry-level of illustrations, I showed ponies. I am still not over the shame I am feeling for people who are not strictly part of my community looking at my works - and this is definitely something I have to work on. No one - absolutely no one - said any bad word to me or about my works, my subjects, my style or my knowledge, it's all in my brain. It's all me. So basically, the only person who thinks I am a low-level artist who paints only ponies and this is the most she can do - is me.
I am still very happy I stepped out of my comfort zone and did these 2 days, 3 panels. I even showed myself on my webcam! It pushed me out of my comfort zone so much I couldn't even think it was possible - and I didn't die. Because I envision literal death whenever I face the problem of exposing myself. Death of embarrassment or humiliation or being ridiculed and laughed at. This is the reason why I don't stream much. Why do I always quit YouTube. Why I don't do many things I want to, but I am just too scared to be seen. And that is quite a problem when you are an artist who needs people in her life to show her art.
Don't be afraid folks. It isn't worth it. It isn't worth living in the dark - and the world needs you and your art.
So, my upcoming plan is actually to enter a comic contest! This will be the second comic that I ever drew - I am working on a minicomic actually that I really enjoy to do! My dear friend Bleiz recommended the contest to me and of course, my first answer was I am too green for this. But she said, "I didn't ask you to win this, I asked you to enter and enjoy it!" And that I can do :D I also published 3 YouTube videos just this week and plan to do more workshops, because it didn't kill me and actually enjoying being challenged and overstepping my fears! So line art workshop: be ready, I am coming!
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